My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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