It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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