I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
