Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
