my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
