i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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