it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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