I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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