she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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