So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
