There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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