I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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