dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
