Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
