im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
