I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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