Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
