Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
