its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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