the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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