rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
