i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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