Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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