Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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