I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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