I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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