in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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