i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
