Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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