Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
