I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
