Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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