can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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