thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
