Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
