pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
