It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
