My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
