Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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