I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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