We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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