I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Drake has all the answers
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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