We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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