I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
