She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
