why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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