It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
