This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
why do cheetos always look like penises
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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