I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So much rum. So many feels.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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