the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
