Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
