so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
