He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize