I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
