Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
